53 Reasons I Hate Wade Phillips, Jason Garrett and By Extension, the 2010-11 Dallas Cowboys
Wade Phillips is Terrible at his job. Yes, it deserves a capital T. Nobody listens to him. Nobody respects him. Nobody improves. Nobody is held accountable. Nobody seems like they know what they’re doing. The Cowboys have more excessive celebration penalties on the season than they do wins. Needless to say, as a Cowboys fan, I am perplexed, saddened, and absolutely livid. I can’t decide between wanting my team to win and wanting to go 1-15 to ensure Wade absolutely, positively has to be fired. Coming in a close second in the “I’m Terrible at My Job” contest is offensive coordinator Jason Garrett, master of the shotgun draw. In sprit of this, I will rattle off 53 reasons I Hate Wade Phillips, Jason Garrett, and By Extension, the 2010-11 Dallas Cowboys, one each for the number of players on a football team.
1. Wade is Jerry Jones’ puppet.
2. Wade’s touchdown celebrations.
3. 4 forced turnovers in 5 games.
4. 49 offensive penalties, 404 yards,
5. Wades confused face when something bad happens.
6. The clock management at the end of the Minnesota game.
7. The handling of the Greg Ellis/Anthony Spencer and Marion Barber/Felix Jones situations.
8. Shotgun draws on 3rd and 3.
9. Wade’s a big, fat, buffoon.
10. 21 defensive penalties, 169 yards.
11. 3rd in total offense, 16th in scoring.
12. 4th in total defense, 21st in scoring allowed.
13. 3rd in total offense, 4th in total defense, 1-4 record.
14. David Buehler’s accuracy.
15. Camp cupcake.
16. Garrett went to Princeton.
17. I can’t possibly be the only one in America to have noticed that EVERY SINGLE TIME Tony Romo is at the line of scrimmage, waves his hand across his throat and says “kill, kill, kill,” the Cowboys will run directly up the middle. It has happened at least 20 times this season already, and I have correctly called out the run each time. If I can recognize an audible call that has been going on since early last year, defensive coordinators and players can too, fellas.
18. No team in the NFL is slower from the huddle to the line of scrimmage.
19. 102 points scored, 111 points allowed. An indictment of both.
20. Tashard Choice has 8 carries this season.
21. 47 passes and 22 runs in Washington on opening night.
22. 51 passes and 20 runs a week later against Chicago.
23. Because Alan Ball makes Roy Williams look like he’s good in coverage.
24. 10 swing passes to Felix Jones against Minnesota that probably totaled about 10 yards gained.
25. Dez Bryant has not figured heavily in the offense since his 8-catch NFL debut.
26. Tashard’s fumble against Washington.
27. Garrett’s decision to call a Hail Mary on the Choice fumble.
28. Phillips’ decision to not overrule Garrett and just kneel it.
29. Romo’s insane pass to choice just before the fumble.
30. Even more Penalties.
31. Martellus Bennett’s drops.
32. 46 passes and 22 runs against Tennessee.
33. Because Jason Witten always blocks in the red zone.
34. Orlando Scandrick getting shaken out of his boots by Steve Smith Giants last year. I don’t care that it wasn’t this season. It was insane. I wish I could find video.
35. 0-2 record at Jerry World.
36. Alex Barron.
37. Because we didn’t even bother looking for help at safety or offensive line this offseason.
38. The ball is never snapped with more than 5 seconds left on the play clock.
39. Excessive celebration penalties in 2010: 2. Wins: 1.
40. Garrett’s stupid play-call chart.
41. Because Sean Lee can’t even play nickel linebacker over Jason Williams, the invisible man.
42. Nobody gets benched for repeated mental mistakes.
43. Because the guys on SportsCenter and NFL Live who say you can just wait around for the Cowboys to beat themselves are right.
44. Garrett passed on the Baltimore AND Atlanta jobs before they were offered to John Harbaugh and Mike Smith.
45. The blowout in Philly to end the season.
46. Joe DeCamillis’ “special” teams unit.
47. All those penalties.
48. We stopped blitzing Jay Cutler when they brought in their backup offensive lineman.
49. Vince Young threw for 2 touchdowns.
50. The Titans had touchdown drives of 1 and 5 yards in the 4th quarter.
51. Marc Colombo can’t stay on his feet.
52. Because we could have had Shanahan.
53. Because they might not get fired.